This is the second blog written by an anonymous gay athlete. He wants to share personal details about his thoughts and experiences before and after coming out, in the hopes that it will help other LGBT athletes who can relate.
*TRIGGER WARNING*- This post discusses details of an abusive relationship, both physically and emotionally. Read on at your discretion.
In this next blog, I said I would talk about some of the struggles I went through, and that is what I am going to do. One thing I will not do is talk about my family. I feel like no matter what your family does to you, at the end of the day, that is still your family!
So let’s just say that I had some family issues, and I started to reach out for a mentor. I finally found one that I thought I could trust and look up to. My friends had introduced us, and said he had met them at a church camp.
At first, he was kind of hesitant and pretty much would not talk to me. So I just gave up. Then he came around and began to talk to me. He started to get me to skype him. He would get me to show stuff on skype, I was younger and looking for a mentor so I was not going to screw this up.
This went on for about a year. Then he got me to attend the church camp. The first day, he acted like he did not know me. Then, that night he brought me a teddy bear to hold on to. He told me not to let anyone else see it. Its name was Carol (It was crazy because he began to actually act like a mentor).
The third night, things changed. I was in the shower, and he came in and starting backing up into the shower. I said, “Someone is in here.” He then reached his hand around the shower and began to touch me. I looked down and noticed a hand. I knew who it was.
He finally stopped. As I was ready to leave, he threatened me if I told anyone. My very fun church experience had turned into something that would change my life forever. The next day I tried to keep my distance, but it didn’t work too well.
That night, one of my counselors had left, but they had already told him he wasn’t allowed to be there. He snuck into my bunk. I sat there with fear, scared for my life of what was about to happen. He began to touch me again. I asked him to stop, then I began to tell him to stop. He then took my hands and made me touch him. The first time was not very long, only about two seconds. But those two seconds made me feel like I would never breathe again. Then it happened again, but this time was longer.
This was right before he turned me over, and raped me. After it happened, people asked why I did not yell. They asked why I was in a room with other people, but I did not yell. I do not think people realize the control he had over me.
I felt like I was nothing. He had called me names after he had done that to me the night before. It was like I did not even have control over my body. I did not have control over anything anymore. The next day the church camp was finally over, but this did not end.
I got baptized the next week, guess who showed up? Then I went to the movies the week after that, guess who showed up? Eventually I deleted Facebook because I did not want him knowing anything about me. I got rid of all contact.
My freshman year I trusted in some friends with this situation. They pretty much made fun of me. They began to prank call me and say awful things to me. This led me to do something that I was not proud of at all. I began to self-harm, and went as far as to trying to commit suicide twice.
I finally told a teacher about what this guy had done to me. I then went through the process of pressing charges. He is now in jail. I want to let everyone know that self-harm and suicide is not the answer! You are your own person, you are the only one who can control how you feel! Do not let someone take that away from you!
The struggles didn’t stop here. So next blog, I will tell you about how I was shoved out of the closet.